in a blink
by OctaviaWithStarsForEyes
Summary: Nikolai closed his eyes, his chest tight and painful. "If I could give you the world, I would, Jericho. I'm just not sure the world wants us." / Or: history repeats itself. Nikolai isn't sure he'll survive it this time. / Based on TWIW by Abizeau / JeriNiko, Haruhai, and Raphliza


**My first official jeriniko oneshot, omg. It's a bit long, sorry!**

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

Nikolai looked up from his book as he felt heavy arms drape over his shoulders, and then lips on his neck. A smile rose to his lips, and he chuckled, leaning away as Jericho's curls tickled him gently

"Hey," he said softly, turning to Jericho for a proper kiss. "Did you just get back?"

Jericho hummed a positive. "We have rehearsal for the coronation tonight."

Nikolai sighed quietly. "Hooray."

Jericho laughed at that, eyes crinkling as he smiled, and Nikolai drank in the sight with a fond gaze. He'd never get tired of that.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" Jericho asked playfully. His English had improved tremendously since he'd arrived, Nikolai noticed. At least the Selection had done him some kind of good.

"Because you're attractive, Jericho, why else?" Nikolai asked, smirking. Jericho clucked his tongue, but his cheeks were rosy and he was smiling.

"Are your family coming for the coronation?" Jericho asked casually, leaning against him so his chin was resting on Nikolai's shoulder.

Nikolai pressed his lips together. "...Yes."

"Are we...telling them anything?" Jericho hedged, looking meaningfully at him. The blonde sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

"Jericho, you know it's too dangerous for me," Nikolai said quietly. "It's… I would lose everything. You know this. My family is not as tolerant as yours."

"I know, but…" Jericho bit his lip, looking down at their interlaced fingers. "I don't know, I'm just tired of being a secret to people, you know? I don't want to hide."

"I don't either," Nikolai said softly, pressing a kiss to the shorter prince's head. "But we're princes, _solnishko_. It can't be normal for us."

Jericho snuggled up against him, his breath warm on Nikolai's neck. "Will we ever tell them?" He wondered aloud, his voice a deep sort of sad.

"I don't know," Nikolai admitted. "But maybe it's better this way. I'm not sure I want the whole world to have us. I like us just for us."

"I do, also," Jericho said. "But… I don't know, it would be nice, maybe. To be able to go on dates like all the other people."

Nikolai closed his eyes, his chest tight and painful. "If I could give you the world, I would, Jericho. I'm just not sure the world wants us."

* * *

The morning of the coronation was bright and sunny. Nikolai couldn't keep his eyes off Jericho, cutting an elegant silhouette in a slate grey suit. As soon as there was a lull in the action, Nikolai had tugged him behind one of those god-forsaken suits of armor and kissed him absolutely senseless.

"Careful," Jericho teased in between kisses. "You're going to muss my hair."

"Mm, don't care."

"Come on, we have to get back before the others realize we're gone," Jericho said, chuckling a bit.

"As if they don't all suspect already." Nikolai scoffed. "Jinhai knew before we knew."

"I still think Haruhito was the first to know," Jericho said, grinning. "Now, we really do have to go before we miss Eliza altogether."

They took a moment to straighten ties and smooth hair, but just before they went back, Nikolai grabbed his hand.

"One second," he said quietly. "I was thinking about it last night, and… I think I'm going to tell my family. Right after the coronation."

Jericho's eyes sparkled. "Really?"

"Really," Nikolai confirmed, chuckling when jericho launched himself at him in a tight hug.

The Oceanian prince planted kisses all over his face, and Nikolai laughed, ducking away.

"Oh my god, I cannot believe it," Jericho said giddily. "I'm so excited! Right after? You promise?"

"I promise," Nikolai repeated, smiling. "Now come on, let's go back."

They returned to the group just in time. The suitors were to lead the whole thing, which made it a very good thing Jericho was on top of things. Especially because Nikolai spotted Haruhito and Jinhai being scolded when they reappeared a moment too late, both looking somewhat disheveled. When he caught Haruhito's gaze, he smirked and the New Asian prince flipped him off carelessly.

The music started, and the double doors to the throne room opened. Each Selected held a single white rose in his hand, and proceeded down the aisle two by two. When they reached the altar at the front, they peeled in half to stand on either sides of the center. Closest to the altar was Raphael, who held the red rose that signified his victory in the Selection.

Honestly, it was for the best. Nikolai was frankly shocked the whole thing hadn't ended in the eruption of World War IV, so all things considered, it was a relatively good turn out. Sebastian and Tom still looked a little put off by the results, but that couldn't be helped. Nikolai, for his part, literally couldn't care less. The idea that he would ever marry Eliza was truly laughable.

The organ was playing the Illéan anthem as Eliza came into view of the doorway, escorted by King Oliver. She was breathtaking in a cream-colored dress with lacy sleeves that recalled her first impressions dress in a much subtler fashion. Her hair was pinned gracefully back, and her face was calm as she approached the front. Nikolai had to give her credit, she looked regal as any queen he'd ever seen.

Her eyes swept over all of the Selected as she came closer, and Nikolai took a moment to incline his head to her. Her lips tugged upward, but when her eyes settled on Raphael, she lit up. Seeing the utter adoration in her crystalline eyes, Nikolai couldn't help looking to Jericho, who glanced shyly back. His dark eyes shone with fondness, and Nikolai caught a glint of perfect teeth before he managed to quell his smile.

 _I love you,_ Nikolai thought fiercely, his heart thumping steadily in his ears. _I love you, I love you, I love you. I can't wait for everyone to know._

The ceremony began with a long-winded speech about Illéa's history and past rulers. Nikolai allowed himself to tune out, and settled for just admiring Jericho's sun-painted profile as he watched the proceedings.

"Do you, Princess Elisabeth Regina Odelle Schreave, swear to govern Illéa and her people with justice and mercy to the best of your capability?"

Eliza took a deep breath, serene determination written in her features. "I do."

"And do you swear to honor the values and ideals written in the Illéan constitution, as it was dictated by your forefathers?"

"I do."

"And do you swear to–,"

The shot rang in air so loudly that time froze. For a moment, no one seemed to register what had happened. Then the glass of the back window shattered and rained down to the floor.

The room seemed to take a deep breath, and then all hell broke loose.

People leapt to their feet and began screaming, preventing the guards stationed around the room from being able to reach the royals. Nikolai froze as another shot rang out deafeningly, and a guard to his left stumbled back with blood pouring from his neck.

Nikolai blinked.

.

 _He was nineteen again, smiling and waving to the sun-soaked crowd in the heat of summer. Grisha was right beside him, laughing and joking with the locals in their broken English. The people looked at him like they loved him, their eyes wide and adoring as he shook their hands._

" _Kolya," Grisha had called, looking back at him with a smile. "Come meet Rosa!"_

 _Nikolai approached with a smile and shook Rosa's hand. "Thank you for welcoming us to your country."_

" _His English is very good, yes?" Grisha laughed. "Mine, not so good."_

" _Gemelos?" Rosa asked, looking between the two of them. "Twins?"_

" _Yes, this my brother," Grisha said, pointing enthusiastically at Nikolai. "He's the handsome one."_

 _Rosa laughed and shook her head. "No, no! Very handsome, both."_

 _Nikolai smiled graciously while Grisha thanked her and turned to the next person. Truthfully, he was already thinking about being able to go back to the hotel, away from the sun and the people. His mind was far away, utterly gone instead of soaking up the precious time he had with Grisha._

 _Grisha was looking back at him, eyes crinkled in a smile and lips parting to say something when the shot split the air._

 _._

No. Not again.

Nikolai snapped back to reality and located Jericho in the crowd. He began to fight through the people to get to him.

"Jericho!" He shouted, pushing past people.

His head swiveled and his eyes lit up. "Nikolai!"  
"Your Highness!" A guard grabbed his wrist. "Please come with me, we need to get you to safety!"

"Not yet!" He yelled, pulling away and letting the crowd block him from following.

And then Jericho was right in front of him, eyes shining. Nikolai wrapped his arms tightly around him, just so happy to have him here safe and sound.

"We have to go, _luchik_ ," Nikolai said over the noise. "We have to get to safety."

"Okay, let's–,"

Jericho's eyes fixed a point somewhere behind Nikolai. He only had a moment of seeing the other prince's eyes widen, before Jericho threw himself close to Nikolai, dragging them both to the side.

"What was that?" Nikolai asked, frowning as he held onto Jericho. "Come one, we really have to...go..."

He trailed off as he felt something warm and wet on his fingers. Jericho sagged against him, breathing heavily.

No.

Nikolai blinked.

.

 _Machine gun fire opened on the crowd. Grisha grabbed Nikolai by the wrist and pulled him backwards, but being at the front on the platform made them easy targets. Nikolai jerked back as he felt the impact of bullet in his shoulder._

" _Grisha!" He gasped. "Stop, I can't–I can't go fast!"_

" _Kolushka, we must," Grisha said desperately. He looked around, eyes wild. "Where are those fucking guards?"  
Nikolai cried out as another bullet caught him in his left side, and all his weight dropped to Grisha. His vision blurred with pain. _

" _Grishka," he whimpered. "Grishka, please. I don't want to die."_

 _Grisha's eyes blazed fierce even as they gleamed with tears. "You're not going to. Guards!"_

 _At last the guards appeared and one of them took Nikolai in his giant arms. He was slipping in and out of consciousness at this point, waves of pain crashing over him in intervals._

 _But then just as they were going to reach the car, Grisha's body jerked forward, once, twice, three times._

 _He collapsed to the ground like a puppet with its strings cut, blue eyes wide with surprise._

" _Oh," he whispered._

 _And then he was gone. Just like that._

 _._

"Jericho?" Nikolai whispered, feeling the blood beginning to soak his fingers.

"Mahal kita," Jericho whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too," Nikolai said quickly. "Stop saying it like it's goodbye."

Jericho's eyes crinkled with a smile, sad and lingering.

"So stubborn," he said fondly, but it was cut off by a wracking cough. When he was able to speak again, there was blood on his lips.

" _Prekati_ ," Nikolai demanded. "You're going to be fine."

"Nikolai, please," Jericho begged, grabbing his lapels. "Just, please, for a moment. Let me say goodbye."

"This isn't goodbye," Nikolai snapped, voice shaking. "I don't want to hear goodbye."

"You're everything to me, Niko," Jericho said, smiling. "I didn't know I could love someone so much until I met you."

"Stop," Nikolai said, blinking rapidly. "Stop, please stop."

"You are so smart, and kind, and beautiful," Jericho said, speaking faster as his breathing became more shallow. "I know you have so much capability to love in you. And I can never be thankful enough to have been able to know you."

Nikolai closed his eyes as the tears seeped through, opening them when he felt a rough thumb smoothing away the tears.

"Please don't go," he whispered, voice thick with grief. "Please don't leave me alone."

Jericho heaved a rattling sigh, dark eyes echoing pain. "I never want to hurt you. Please don't make this harder for me."

"I don't want you to leave," Nikolai said, fighting hard against the tears. "I can't do this alone."

"You can. You can," Jericho said, squeezing his hand. "I believe in you. Will you–will you tell my family–?"

Nikolai swiped a hand across his cheek, dashing away the tears. "Of course."

Jericho exhaled, his face finally relaxing into a peaceful smile. He looked up at Nikolai like he'd never seen him before, curious and awestruck.

"Ang ganda ng mga mata mo," he murmured.

His eyes closed, and his breathing slowed until he could no longer hear it.

Nikolai screamed.

* * *

In the aftermath of what was quickly becoming known as the coronation shooting, the death count was still rising.

Nikolai was in a safe room with the other selected, staring blankly at the television live broadcasting. Not everyone was present–Adrien was still missing and Rama was in the emergency room. No one was sure what had happened to Latreall, only that no one had seen him.

And Jericho, of course.

Nikolai's eyes closed at the thought. No. He wasn't ready to think about that.

"Nikolai, are you alright?" Someone asked in Russian. He opened his eyes to see Jinhai seated next to him, watching him with careful eyes.

"What would you do if Haruhito was dead?" Nikolai asked flatly.

Jinhai was silent for a moment. "I'm not sure I know."

"Yeah?" Nikolai laughed mirthlessly. "I'm not sure I know either."

* * *

The funeral was the next week. Nikolai was not asked to give a eulogy.

Why would they, when they didn't know? No one knew about them.

Nikolai decided not to go.

Instead he sat in the palace gardens and pretended he wasn't more alone than ever before.

* * *

"Cousin, you look well," Aleksey said. "The scruffy look suits you."

"No it doesn't," Nikolai said, hollow.

"It does. The dark circles really bring out your eyes," Aleksey said, smiling a little.

Nikolai turned an unimpressed look on him. "What do you want?"

Aleksey sobered. "You were with Jericho when he passed, Nikolai. I think his family would appreciate it if you would speak with him. I know Glory would."

In an instant, Nikolai's mouth twisted and his temper reared.

"Oh, Glory would like it?" He said, voice dripping with venom. "You want your perfect little wife to be happy? Are you her errand boy now?"

Aleksey's brows drew together. "Nikolai–,"

"Don't bother coming back, Aleksey. I don't speak to errand boys."

" _Nikolai_ –,"

The door slammed.

* * *

He stood out on the balcony, feeling the cool night air on his face. The void of darkness seemed to swallow him up, easing the broken glass on his insides. He leaned over the edge, breathing deeply.

It would be so easy. He'd see Jericho again.

He began to sob, a broken, tortured cry that echoed in the darkness.

"Help me," he begged the empty air, shoulders shaking. "I don't know how to do this without you."

* * *

"Nikolai?"

He stayed silent, wondering if she'd go away if he didn't respond.

"It's been a while," Glorianna said, approaching him. "How have you been?"

"Fine," he said dully.

"Do you mind if I walk with you?" She asked, looking around the gardens of his home. "It's very beautiful here."

Nikolai hummed a non-answer, and began walking again. There was a silence.

"My brother meant something to you, didn't he?" It wasn't much of a question.

Nikolai laughed without any humor. "Am I so transparent?"

"He meant something to me," Glory said, achingly honest. "A lot, actually. But I didn't get to say goodbye. You did."

"I wish I didn't," Nikolai said quietly.

"What did he say, Nikolai?" Her voice broke. "I can't keep wondering."

He studied her, seeing jericho reflected in her dark eyes. He looked away.

"He said he loved you. He–," Nikolai broke off, unable to continue.

Glory studied him with tear-filled eyes. "What did he mean to you, Nikolai? Tell me what Jericho meant to you."

He closed his eyes, smiling bitterly. "I loved him," Nikolai choked out. "I loved him more than anything."

"And did he love you?" Glory asked.

"More than I deserved," Nikolai whispered.

He crumpled then, sinking to the ground right there and crying until he was hoarse. Glory began to cry too, and for the first time since the coronation, Nikolai came undone.

* * *

 _Five years later_

 _Dearest Jericho,_

 _Today marks the fifth year. I've been thinking about spring recently. It's hard, during winter, to think of any life being able to grow after snow. Everything seems to be dead beyond reparation. But today the first cherry blossom trees bloomed. Haruhito says he's never seen them bloom like this before. I wish you could see them, you would have loved to be here._

 _Everyone is still thinking of you. You are missed by everyone who knew you. But I know you've found peace wherever you are, and that's all I can hope for you. The foundation we started in your name has been wildly successful, and we've been able to build a hospital and two schools with the proceeds. I know this is what you would have wanted. I wish you were here to see the people you've helped, luchik._

 _I wonder all the time about how things would be if you were still here. And it still hurts, solnishko. It's still hard to go on without you. I wish I could relive every moment we had together and cherish you. I will never stop wishing I had savored the time with you, but I never dreamed I'd one day be without you._

 _I miss you every day, Jericho. I hope I'm making you proud. Give Grisha my love._

 _Yours always,_

 _Nikolai_

 _._

Nikolai looked up as the doorbell rang, and smiled, setting his pen down. He carefully folded the letter and sealed it in an envelope, before tucking it in his pocket and heading downstairs. The door opened to reveal Aleksey, Glory, and one very excited little girl.

"Uncle Niko!" She cheered, wrapping her arms around his legs and squeezing as tight as she could. "I missed you!"

"Hello Sol," he smiled, kneeling down to pick her up. He feigned difficulty, and groaned loudly as he settled her on his hip. "You're getting so big, kotik."

"Hi Nikolai," Glory said, leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek. "How are you?"

"I'm doing well, Glory," he smiled. "Hi, Aleksey."

"Hello, cousin," he replied, nodding.

"Ready to go?" he asked Glory, who nodded.

"Guard the house for me, Sol," Nikolai told the little girl. "Your mother and I will be right back."

"I'll keep it safe!" She said enthusiastically. "Don't worry."

"I know you will, kotik," he replied fondly, tugging on her ponytail. "I trust you."

Glory and Nikolai walked side by side in comfortable silence to the car. He started the car with a turn of the key, and carefully backed onto the road. The drive to the royal cemetery wasn't far, and they didn't speak much.

Jericho's grave was covered in flowers when they arrived. He spotted a bouquet from Eliza and Raphael, and another from Haruhito and Jinhai. The other Selected had sent flowers as well, and that was without all the flowers from the Oceanian people.

"I still miss him, after all this time," Nikolai confessed as he studied the grave.

"Me too," Glory said softly. "I don't think it will ever go away."

"Maybe that's good. I don't want to forget him," Nikolai said.

Glory laughed. "Jericho's pretty unforgettable."

Nikolai pulled out his letter and set it down on the grave. After a moment, Glory pulled out her own letter and placed it next to his.

"Do you think he can see us?" Glory asked, looking up at the sky, vast and blue. "Wherever he is?"

"Of course," Nikolai said simply. "Of course he can."

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **Your local angst dealer living up to her title. Drop a review if you liked it!**


End file.
